village pumpThe Azores High

Here is the latest weather forecast:

A large area of high pressure remains settled

from south of the Azores to the north of Scotland.

Over the coming week it is expected this will bring…

widespread outbreaks of shorts,

socks and sandals,

frequently together.

These will be visible

in all areas, at close range,

from early mornings onwards.

Hot sands on beaches

have led to reported

infestations

of ice-cream vans,

accompanied by long queues

of children, of all ages.

High temperatures,

along with prolonged sunshine,

will lead to the appearance

of pink flesh,

turning later to various

shades of red.

It is expected that showers

of high factor sun cream

will be applied, too late

Clouds of charcoal smoke

can be seen here,

there, indeed, everywhere.

The Health Services have issued

warnings about food poisoning,

sun-stroke, heat exhaustion,

even shortages of straw hats.

It is believed these

will be largely ignored.

The Automobile Association

say that long lines

of cars will be slow moving,

both morning and evening,

on previously deserted roads

leading to all coastal areas.

Along with this

there will be endless cries of

“are we there yet!”

The Met Office regrets

they know of no

answer to that one.

Older people will wonder aloud

why must young people

behave in ways

they have long forgotten

they also did,

when young themselves.

Younger people will wonder quietly

why must old people

behave in ways

that lead to pale

hairy ankles

at the very water’s edge.

Mothers will drink

chilled chardonnay

with other mothers.

Teenage daughters will silently cry,

“doesn’t she know that swimsuit

is, like, so totally OMG!”

Fathers will play ball games again

certain they really should

have turned pro that time.

Teenage sons will wrestle

each other to impress

seemingly indifferent girls.

Young children will ignore them all,

concentrating instead

on their collective task,

moving tons of sand about,

knowing that this weather

is sure to last forever.